The Armor We Build: My Journey Through BPD, CPTSD, and the Path to Healing

For a long time, I viewed my life as a series of unfortunate events I had to survive. It wasn’t until October 2024, when I received my dual diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), that the "why" behind my struggles finally came into focus.

If you’ve followed me for a while, you know me as a coach. But today, I want to take the mask off and show you the foundation that coaching was built upon.

Understanding the Diagnosis

To understand my story, you first have to understand these two conditions. While they overlap, they stem from different roots:

• CPTSD is often the result of prolonged, repeated trauma where escape isn't possible (like childhood). It affects your sense of safety, self-worth, and ability to regulate emotions.

• BPD involves a deep-seated fear of abandonment and intense, fluctuating emotions.

When you have both, your internal world can feel like a constant storm. But as I’ve learned over the last year, a storm is also a source of incredible energy.

The Roots: An Empty Chair and a Growing Imbalance

My childhood was defined by the unpredictable shadow of addiction. As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA), I learned early on to scan rooms for danger and manage the emotions of the adults around me. When I was 17—a time when most teenagers are looking toward the future—I lost my father to his addiction. That loss didn't just leave a hole; it solidified a belief that the people I loved would eventually leave.

While my internal world was fracturing, my physical world felt like a betrayal. I grew up with a growth abnormality known as Hemifacial Microsomia (specifically affecting the mandible). In my case, the left side of my jaw grew significantly faster than the right.

This wasn't just a medical condition; it was a visible "otherness." It meant years of corrective surgeries, physical discomfort, and a face that didn't match how I felt inside.

The Weight of Shame

Compounding the trauma of my home life and my physical condition was my body. I was overweight my entire life, which made me a target. While the world bullied me, the loudest voice of shame came from inside my own home.

My grandmother shamed and bullied me for my weight relentlessly until her passing in 2018. When the person who is supposed to provide sanctuary becomes the source of the wound, your brain learns that "safety" is a myth. This is the exact environment where CPTSD and BPD take root—a "double bind" where you are trapped between the need for love and the reality of abuse.

How This Shapes My Coaching

You might wonder: How does a coach with BPD and CPTSD help others? The truth is, I am a better coach because of these scars, not in spite of them.

1. I See the Invisible: I can spot the "fawn" response or the "inner critic" in a client from a mile away because I’ve lived in those skins.

2. Radical Compassion: I know that "laziness" is often just frozen trauma. I don't judge your plateaus; I help you understand why your nervous system feels the need to stay still.

3. Lived Resilience: I don't teach theory from a textbook. I teach the actual tools I use to regulate my own nervous system and navigate a world that wasn't built for people with my history.

My diagnosis in 2024 wasn't a life sentence; it was an instruction manual. It allowed me to stop asking "What is wrong with me?" and start asking "What happened to me, and how do I move forward?"

If you are carrying your own "armor"—whether it’s a history of loss, a body you’ve been taught to hate, or a brain that feels too loud—know that you aren't broken. You are a survivor in transition.

Breaking the Mirror: How I Healed from Generational Shame

For years, my grandmother’s voice became my "inner critic." When you are shamed for your weight and your appearance by the person who raised you, that voice doesn't disappear when they do. After her passing in 2018, I realized I had a choice: I could keep carrying her mirror, or I could finally look at myself through my own eyes.

To move from shame to a growth mindset, I had to implement three specific "brain-rewiring" tools:

• Externalizing the Voice: I started labeling the mean thoughts. Instead of saying "I am not enough," I would say, "That is my grandmother’s shame speaking." This created the distance I needed to breathe.

• Neutrality Before Positivity: Loving a body that has been bullied is a huge leap. I started with body neutrality. I thanked my jaw for its strength through surgeries and my body for protecting me during the hardest years of my life.

• The "Safety Check": Because of my CPTSD, my brain often thinks criticism equals danger. I practiced grounding exercises to remind my nervous system that I am an adult now, I am safe, and no one has the power to shame me into hiding anymore.

  
  

Resources for the Journey

If my story resonates with you, please know you do not have to navigate the "storm" alone. Here are the resources that have been instrumental in my healing and my coaching practice:

For Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA)

• ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families): A 12-step program specifically for people who grew up in alcoholic or dysfunctional homes. Their "Laundry List" of traits was a massive "aha" moment for me.

• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson: This book is a goldmine for understanding why you feel the need to manage everyone else’s emotions.

For BPD & CPTSD Support

• The CPTSD Survival Guide by Pete Walker: The definitive resource for understanding "emotional flashbacks" and how to manage them.

• DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) Skills: This is the gold standard for BPD. It teaches mindfulness, distress tolerance, and emotional regulation. I use many of these techniques with my clients!

For Hemifacial Microsomia & Physical Differences

• Changing Faces: A wonderful organization providing support and community for people with conditions or scars that affect their appearance.

A Final Note from Your Coach

My diagnosis gave me the "why," but my resilience gave me the "how." If you are ready to stop being defined by what happened to you and start defining what happens next, I am here to walk that path with you.

I have a few slots open for 1:1 coaching this month, and my New Year specials are available until January 10th. Let’s turn your history into your greatest strength.