Choosing to Stay: Why I’m Pausing Massage Therapy School

We often talk about "the grind" in the fitness world. We talk about pushing through, finishing what we start, and never giving up. But lately, I’ve been learning a much harder lesson: the strength it takes to say "not right now" for the sake of your own healing.

I want to be transparent with you all about why I’ve decided to withdraw from my massage therapy program. It wasn't a snap decision, and it wasn’t because I wasn't "crushing it." It was because I finally realized I couldn’t keep pouring from an empty cup.

After 13 years in the Vacaville fitness industry, my confidence was at an all-time low. My previous coaching environment had become toxic. I felt a crushing pressure to maintain a certain "aesthetic" that matched a specific clientele, rather than focusing on the actual work of coaching. I felt undervalued, and my hours were being cut.

I started looking at massage school, an interest I’d had since I was 18 but couldn't afford then, as a way out. Through ketamine-assisted psychotherapy, I was reconnecting with my younger self and trying to heal old wounds. Massage felt like a way to help people that had nothing to do with my own body or how I looked. It felt like a safe harbor.

When I was told my group classes were a "conflict of interest" and we parted ways with that gym in August, I was forced to take the plunge. I brought group strength training to Elizabeth DeHart Fitness. It was terrifying, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I started school in October, juggling 12–14 hour workdays with classes in Sacramento and online. I was at the top of my class with 100% scores. On paper, I was winning.

But life doesn’t care about your schedule. Between September and December, I faced two back-to-back traumatic events. The second one, on December 4th, flipped my world upside down. Suddenly, I was handling home, work, and school entirely independently.

For the last several months, I’ve been drowning. Between 14-hour days, clinical externships, and late-night classes, I had zero space to process what had happened to me. My mental health was declining because I was so busy "doing" that I had no time for "being."

Sitting in therapy last week, I had a massive realization.

I don't need to "escape" the fitness industry anymore. The community we are building together right now, every client I train and every woman in my classes, is actually healing the parts of me that were broken at my last job. I’ve found my heart again right here in the gym.

I had to ask myself: "How important is this certificate right now?" I was terrified of being seen as a failure for dropping out. But I realized that the only person I was failing was myself. I was sacrificing my mental health to finish a program I had originally started as an escape from a version of my life that no longer exists.

Every time I question if I should find something else, God has a way of guiding me back to coaching. Fitness is where my heart is. By letting go of school "for now," I am finally giving myself the space to heal, to breathe, and to pour into this business with a cup that isn't bone-dry.

Thank you for being part of the community that helped me find my way back. We’re in this together.